TOP 5: WTF NOW
PIVOT is my middle fucking name. I was going to take ya’ll on another holiday media romp, but in light of recent changes —-> see homieiadoreyou.com I thought it might be something to take a walk through my field of fails. Ya know embrace the journey, past agongies & all.
To the loves that we have to let go of.
Market Price.
For the freshly broken hearted.
This line is about the values we place on ourselves after a break up or disappointment. The infinite, freeing and frightening momentum that moves us forward was the inspiration for this collection. Graphics and design by Brianna Kole for Aleka Phoenix.
1. ALL JONI MITCHELL NAMED VENTURES & BOHEMIAN VAMP
I had like three different creative endeavors all named with different Joni lyrics. Then, Bohemian Vamp, a 2 day stove top tie dye run in my dorm, which mostly resulted in a male pal soaking a tamp tamp in green dye and hanging it from our stove…coooooolll. In later years (after 2012) my pal sent me this article where Joni says that being in black face (#1 EWWWWWW and it was for an album cover! ew to the MAX) and interacting in public as a “black man” showed her racial disparities and that therefore she intrinsically knew what it was like to be a black man. My long sowed love and soulmate feelings for Joni Mitchell promptly died.
Circa early aughts. 2002-2004
WALK IT OFF | 2001
2. OPHELIA’S ASYLUM, WALK IT OFF, VOID & UGLY | THE BAND YEARS
Music, as I ::think:: I’ve mentioned before is a MAJOR LIFE LINE for me. With a theater and creative background, being in a band was the ULTIMATE! As with so many of my failed endeavors I struggled to find the right collaborators. Not to give myself too much credit either, I was in high school and LOST AF. Who wasn’t? The band was an incredible outlet for me, I wrote lyrics, sang, practiced in a garage, orchestrated photo shoots in the ocean, got 1 gig at a VFW, watched A LOT of VH1 Behind the Music (ya know rockstar inspo!), recorded a few originals and had friendships that were fond but transient. While this is a cheeky list of my “fails” it’s also a way of honoring how far I’ve come. Wherever I go, this “band” sensibility is with me. For the sporty types, my “team” if you will. I think that I’m still always trying to create MY BAND in some iteration. But aren’t we all? Cue Hedwig & the Angry Inch’s Wicked Little Town.
3. ALEKA PHOENIX & THE G.L.A.S.S PARTY
These were probably my ventures that had the most “successes” and longevity. Allowing me to set the stage for myself. Though the name (Aleka Phoenix) also did me in. It was a reference to Aleka’s Attic, River Phoenix’s band, and the deceased actor whom I had a borderline unhealthy OBSESSION with. #soobscure and NO ONE got it, DUH. I’d end up being called “Aleka” which much like my actual name no one pronounces correctly. #IRRITATIONSTATION
DESPITE that! The AP reign marked a monumental shift in my life. During this period, 2006-2012 I found my queer identity, was living in St.Petersburg, FL and CONNECTED. Though ALWAYS rocky, twents be like that tho (and when you have the stamina and can throw yourself into all of it, why the hell not?). FORMATIVE AF. I was doing fashion shows at least 1x month, going to college, raising a new pee pee pup (@teaganwoo), falling for ALLLLLLL the fuckbois and HUSTLIN’. Websites and any outlet to sell one off fashion was pretty unattainable for me at this point. But I started to see the “in” to fuse fashion shows into a weekly queer party. 2009 I graduated with a BA in Studio Arts…into a recession. The GLASS (Gay, Lesbian Art Society ssshhhhiiiittt) party was my saving grace creatively and financially. It never blew up, but it afforded me opportunity to have some money coming in and to book talent that the club would have never brought in and paid for without me. My pals took on working the door, DJing, bartending, and helping me hype. It was a cool time and we all made some cool shit. But the back end of it, (cis straight white men) was really shitty, shifty and shady. Though that gave me the rawest view of what there would only ever be much more of. While this time was creatively fruitful and fun it also set the precedent for not being properly compensated for the work I was doing. And the ensuing HTF do I ever get this part right continues. #everythinginwriting
4. GOLD.GUNS.GIRLS
NYC and early Steamboat years. 2013-2018. This started as a party my pal KRSone, aka Krystal and I did (twice). Fun ass time. No monetary or fame gain and again with the shady white man dealings. Ugh, let me off this fucking TRAIN! And I should have learned from this! With AGAIN named after obscure song lyrics by the band Metric. Again the reference to not the obvious was totally lost on people. Rightfully so I might add. When I let my NYC party dreams die, I had to make something of the branding I built. I liked the vibe and thought that would be enough to inform the name. SPOILER: it wasn’t. ESPECIALLY coming out of Colorado. With more mass shootings and buy in that I wasn’t feeling, the time came yet again to motherfucking PIVOT! But this time would be different right? I’ll vet the name more thoroughly, I’ll make it accessible, I’ll roll in social justice fashion…
ELECTRIC SCREAM | photo by Athena Torri. Models: Jojo & Jonathan Henry Rosa, Styled by moi under Aleka Phoenix moniker 2009.
Felt a worthy summation of my current dichotomy.
5. HOMIE, I ADORE YOU.
WOOOOOOOOOOF. This is still really raw for me. The others always felt more like jumping off points, but this iteration felt super charged, focused (as much as that’s possible for me), vetted… While this is shitty timing and I’m wounded to see my complete oversight on optics, this venture was made with all my love, passion, and regard for BIPOC peoples. The fantastic fusion of my activism, art & my 10,000 hours of all the aforementioned. Culminating into this brand that I thought would be THE ONE. There is no fight or justifcation for clinging to this, it isn’t mine to co-opt and I could never live with myself. The burden of my time, cost and livelihood poured into something that I can’t continue STINGSSSSSSS.
BUT I have trust in myself that everything in it’s right place is the name of the game. As hard as it is, this wasn’t the one. Once my mind changes that’s it for me. So while it feels incredibly overwhelming to figure out how the hell I’m going to pivot and be able to keep my life afloat in the midst of a pandemic, social uprising and my unemployment there’s a freeing in it too. This has forced me to SEE my place, that of a white queer cis woman that is an activist. I cannot be anything outside of that. While my content is original it’s not my content to be profiting from (ps not that I have, there’s been like 1 sale), I’m not a BIPOC person. I must use my privilege and platform to rally white people. That’s the vantage point I have and must wield. & APPROACH is EVERYTHING. So while I have some scrambling thoughts about what’s next, I’m allowing myself time, and space to grieve my loss and move forward better and distinctly different. Learning from all these “fails” that while the vehicle hasn’t always worked the impetus is the thing. The ability to not be permanently obstructed or stalled. LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING PHOENIX YA’LL!
In 2021 HOMIE, I ADORE YOU will be changing…in name and offerings.
Intention vs. BIPOC harm is a line I’m wholly uninterested in toeing.
My whiteness makes my obligation for these changes imperative.
I cannot participate or further the appropriation or co-opting of BIPOC culture, even with “good” intentions.
The heartbreak, pain, and loss feels unending, but I know this is the only move forward.
Items with heavy BIPOC references have been removed and will be given to models and collaborators.
While I figure out my next moves I appreciate your support through purchases of art, home decor and custom orders.
For the time being the above can all be bought/found on this website as I re-imagine my livelihood for about the 5th time this year.
KARAOKE CLUB on Houseparty App & 1997 BLOG will continue every THURSDAY @4:20 pm MST
ugh.love @yobriekole
PS. Memes, pet photos & vids, commiseration, reaching out, having a virtual smoke sesh/hang ALL welcome!
