TOP 5: HOLIDAY FEELS
For the past many years I’ve thrown a rockin’ xmas eve party. It started as a way to reclaim the holiday for myself, creating traditions that spark my holiday joys. Last year my partner and I with some family and friends made a baller greek themed dinner. It was so good and really hit the heart of what I was after with starting holiday traditions. Presence over presents, the camaraderie and sharing of food and conversation...that’s always really resonated with me. I’m sure for most people. But it’s always felt like this constant seeking and struggle during the holidays. Familial stuff, the past, the onslaught of it all, it’s all at once joyful and traumatic, jazzed up with glitter. My take away this year, what it’s really always been, but everything lands differently in 2020, FUCK ‘EM.
I’ve wanted those warm xmas feelings, filled with reciprocity, games, laughter, and genuine desire to spend quality time, doing silly things, relaxing, watching ALL the movies...my whole life. A few times it’s happened, but always ever so fleeting. This ever unobtainable feeling that everyone else seems to have or not care about. I FUCKING CARE THO. So much, too much. I need to self preserve and find some ground I can feel good about. It’s all perspective. So I thought it was a good time to come clean with myself and dispel my xmas fears, sadness, and grief, with 2020 glasses (they just take everything down to the rawest raw). No one is leaving this year the way we came in. As shitty and painful as it’s all been, I’m grateful for the opportunity to see things for exactly what they are and decide from that, how I move my heart forward.
Here I start my quest for excavating my deepest xmas desires, and maybe in 2021 I’ll land on the sweet spot for #HOLIDAYLYFE.
1. THE HOLIDAY | MOVIE
The Holiday, 2006 movie by Nancy Myers will always hold a special place in my holiday heart. I first encountered it by accident. My pal and I popped into the theater (Baywalk, what UP!!!!!) waiting on the movie we intended to see (which I can totally NOT recall). 5 minutes in we turned to each other totally hooked (20’s heartbreak hotel was TOO REAL for us!) and abandoned our other movie. Mere days later I accepted a date to again see The Holiday. The date was bad, but it mattered naught, because I got to encounter this searing holiday love that turned the unrequited tumultuous-ness that was my queer 20’s LYFE into something else entirely, AGAIN!
Re-watching this year, the scene that brought me to my figurative knees was nothing to do with the love stories...it was Cameron fucking Diaz having a glass of GHATDAMN white wine in a Surrey pub! The Hanukkah party! Then again when Kate Winselt & Jack Black are having sushi...ugh. I’ve never coveted being out, enjoying food in a restaurant, with not a mask or a trump hat in sight MORE. And if that isn’t a “word” for 2020 idk what is. But also NEVER what I could imagine my 30’s watching of The Holiday would illicit. So I’m just gonna take this flip of perspectives and know that I will not always feel this intense dichotomy of being heart broken and happy around the holidays. Things will be different and satiating one day, and I’m here for that journey, cause if I can make it through 2020 everything else will be-- hopefully not worse.
2. HOTEL CAFE PRESENTS WINTER SONGS | ALBUM
I stumbled upon this HOTEL CAFE WINTER SONGS album when I was living in NYC. It’s been a holiday STAPLE ever since. It’s a little broody, lovely music, sing-a-long able, gets slightly silly, but also really heart-string tugging. I think I love it so much because it runs the gamut of holiday feels. It’s not too leading, it’s not too redundant (with ole standbys reimainged), it has a vibe that is palatable, I think across the board. It features a variety of artists (all white tho, of course) like Sara Baraielles, Fiona Apple, Brandi Carlise and more.
3. STEP INTO CHRISTMAS | SONG
Few things get my spirit AMPED like the opening notes and subsequent song Step into Christmas by Elton John. This was also an NYC era find for me and it never ceases to get me in the spirit. I’ll be debuting this one at #karaokeclub FO SHURE. “Step into Christmas the admission's freeeeeeee!” This song always feels right even when shit feels so wrong.
4. JINGLE JANGLE | MOVIE
The Netflix movie, Jingle Jangle hella impressed me. While it’s a “holiday/xmas” movie, it’s not at all heavy handed with xmas references or concepts. IT’S AN ALL BLACK CAST + RICKY MARTIN. IT’S A MUSICAL (but not like “too” musical-ly), the story doesn’t shy away from the hard shit, but resolves, and feels good! Not forced or TOO silly. While it’s set in a fictional world, it roots itself in human realities, fails, and familial struggles. I’m so thrilled to add this to my holiday watchlist. Michael Wilkinson did the costumes, styled in an Afro-Victorian vibe. So fucking GOOD! And wholly unique. MORE PLEASE! Sharon Martin, who HANDLED the hair -- holy shit next level!!!!! Both Wilkinson and Martin were v. conscious about being true to a victorian era vibe, but also not assimilating anything to white people (ie: straightened hair). HERE FOR IT!
5. A TURQUOISE TREE & MY LIFE’S COLLECTION OF ORNAMENTS
Following my ever evolving efforts to make Christmas my own, I found a turquoise xmas tree a few years ago. It remains one of my happiest investments ($60). I bombard it with my treasured ornaments, ones from my og family, ones that Teagan and I get every year, ones from travels we’ve taken, Bb’s childhood ornaments and ones that I’ve foisted upon him every year… When I was younger I used to play with the ornaments on the tree, making up little stories, personalities and interactions with them all. Sleeping next to the tree is also a fave past -time (especially with a heated floor, by a gas fireplace, with Teggie snugged with me.) These are my small joys, that get to exist for me, CONTINGENCY FREE.
